---------- Forwarded message ---------- Date: Tue, 15 Dec 1998 09:01:19 -0500 From: Ken Dooley To: "'April (work)'" , "'Bill Whalen (work)'" , 'Bob Todd' , 'Amy Persson' , 'Dan Powers' , 'Dave Perret' , 'Heidi Howland' , 'Jackie' , 'Jeanine Joray' , 'Ken Gosier' , 'Jorge Meyer' , 'Li Agen' , 'Mark' , 'Mike Wodjenski' , 'Neary' , 'Pat McGowan' , 'Stacy' , 'Stevie' , 'Suzi Wyler' , 'Tom Grace' , 'Tom Newman' Subject: WV XMASS WEST VIRGINIA CHRISTMAS > > > > 'Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through > > the shack > > Not a creature was stirrin', cept the lice on muh back. > > The skoal cans wuz nailed to the screen door with care, > > With hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there. > > > > The children were sleepin', all snug in their beds, > > While visions of tractor pulls danced in their heads. > > And Ma in her nightgown all stained with pound cake. > > Had just settled down to watch Ricki Lake. > > > > When out in the driveway, a loud noise I heard, > > I opened the winder to check muh T-bird. > > I ran to the door, like I's on a mission, > > But I tripped on some parts from muh granny's > > transmission. > > > > The moon shone outside, the hound dog wuz barkin'. > > Muh daughter weren't home yet, she wuz still out > > parkin'. > > > > When what to muh whiskey blind eyes should I see > > But a Chevy S-10, pulled by eight flyin' sheep. > > With a fat nasty driver, so disgustin' and sick > > I said "Shoot Fire!" That must be St. Nick! > > > > More rapid than X-lax his wooly sheep came > > And he belched and he hollered, and he called 'em by > > name. > > Now CLIFFORD! Now VERNON! Now LESTER and ENUS! > > On FESTUS! On ELMER! On ROSCOE and CLETUS! > > > > From the top of the shack to them there garbage bins > > Now Dash Away! Dash Away! Dash Away youins! > > > > I heard a loud sound on the roof of muh shack. > > Pud down muh beer and went fer muh gun rack. > > He fell through the roof, plum killed my dog, > > I swear that ole' Santa looked just like Boss Hog. > > > > He wore a T-shirt, rebel flag on the front, > > And his jeans were all bloody from that morning's hunt. > > A big nekkid lady tattooed on his arm, > > And he wore black boots that he'd picked up in Nam. > > > > His eyes how they glazed from too much Wild Turkey. > > From the side of his mouth hung a stick of beef jerky. > > A scar on his cheek from a fight with the cops. > > The veins on his face looked ready to pop. > > > > The butt of a Marlboro clung to his lip > > He wore a hip pack full of B-B-Q chips. > > He had a fat face and a hairy beer belly. > > I ain't seen one that big since muh ex-wife Shelly. > > > > He was gap-toothed and dumb with an I.Q. of three > > And I laughed cause that redneck was smarter than me. > > A wink of his eye, a fierce shake of his head, > > From his hair came a rat that ran under the bed. > > > > He reached in his sack, sipped his gin and tonic, > > Then filled the kid's stockings with Hooked on Phonics. > > His toys came from Big Lots and they weren't very nice > > But he had lots of them and yuh can't beat the price. > > > > He gave us a tape of them hound dogs that sing Jingle Bells. > > Some Crisco, some Spam, some Oatmeal Cream pies, > > And a Nascar T-shirt in Double X size. > > > > When the presents were gone and he had no more, > > He staggered and stumbled right through muh screen door. > > > > He hopped in his truck, to his sheep gave an order > > "Hurry up youins! To the Tennessee border!" > > And I heard him cry out, with a strong southern drawl, > > "MERRY CHRISTMAS YOU REDNECKS! MERRY CHRISTMAS > > Y'ALL!"