The Best of Internet Oracularities #1051-1075

  1. 1075-10
  2. 1056-10
  3. 1072-05
  4. 1052-09
  5. 1056-08
  6. 1057-02
  7. 1069-08
  8. 1071-03

Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Internet Oracle,
as incarnated in its many anonymous e-mail participants. This collection has
been compiled from the regular Oracularities postings #1051 through #1075
and contains the Oracularities rated by its readers as among the funniest.
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1052-09 4ebjx 3.8

Selected-By: Otis Viles <cierhart@ic.net>

The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
Your question was:

> Oracle you are almost as wonderful as me.  I *may* rub up against your
> leg.
>
> Yesterday, in between breakfast and my third early/mid morning nap, it
> occured to me that if I was in a box I wouldn't know if the world
> outside continued to exist or not.  It occurred to me that I could only
> describe the condition of the world in terms of a probability that it
> still existed. Though, of course, how could it exist if I was in a box
> and didn't need the world to provide me with food or with a lap to
> snooze on.  Anyway, what I wanted to ask is you seem to spend a lot of
> time sitting down and you've got lots of people dedicated just to
> pampering you so would you like a cat?

And in response, thus spake the Oracle:

} Oh no kitty, not after what happened last time.....
}
} INPA Press Report 17/6/97 09:41am
} UNIDENTIFIED GAS CLOUD SEEN IN INDIANA
} --------------------------------------
}
} Reports are coming in from Indiana that a gas cloud of unidentified
} material has been sighted in the city. No victims have yet been
} identified. Indiana Civil Defense and Emergency Services, as well
} as the Army are on full code red report.
}
} INPA Press Report 17/6/97 11:22am
} ALIEN INVADER CLAIM FOR INDIANA 'GAS CLOUD'
} -------------------------------------------
}
} Eyewitness reports of the 'Indiana Gas Cloud' have claimed that at
} its center, a strange and everchanging creature can be seen, with
} teeth, eyes, wings, skeletons, exoskeletons, changing hues of red,
} grey, brown, piebald, plaid and tartan. Many city residents believe
} that the city is under attack from an alien life form, and are fleeing
} in a massive column of cars. Indiana authorities report that they
} believe the gas cloud to be hallucinogenic, and released on the city by
} unknown terrorists.
}
} INPA Press Report 17/6/97 12:48pm
} PROBABILITY DENSITY FUNCTION TERRORISES CITY OF INDIANA
} -------------------------------------------------------
}
} The 'Indiana Gas Cloud' has now been positively identified as the
} escaped pet of Mr Internet Oracle, of Indiana University. Says Mr
} Oracle, "The pet is a recent gift from my girlfriend Lisa, who gave
} it to me this morning. Until I opened the box it did not exist as
} a particular animal, but merely as a probability density function
} covering all feasible animals. Unfortunately, when I went to open
} the box it was in, I found that it had escaped in its unresolved
} state. It will remain unresolved until I observe it. Until that time,
} the city may be in extreme danger. Or, it may not be."
}
} NATIONAL RADIO CENTRE SPECIAL NEWS BULLETIN
} -------------------------------------------
}
} Hello, this is Dan Dandan, and I'm reporting from Indiana, where the
} first victims of the rampaging probability density function have been
} identified. I'm next to a doctor who is treating the victim. Doctor, is
} he dead?
}
} Possibly. Why don't you ask him?
}
} Excuse me, are you prepared to talk on radio? What was it like being
} attacked by the creature?
}
} Horrible. I felt these teeth close around my neck, and my ankles,
} something was sucking my blood, and I felt blows of varying intensities
} all over my body.
}
} But, you're still alive. You're talking to me.
}
} Possibly... That's the worst part of it. The waiting. I mean, if the
} animal turns out to be a large one, when The Internet Oracle finally
} observes it, something with big teeth like a dinosaur, then I could be
} ripped from limb to limb. Or, if it was a poisionous snake, then I
} could be dead from that. Or, it might be a chipmunk, and I might just
} have a small bite on my finger.
}
} Doctor, I notice that the blur surrounding the victim has a distinct
} red colour. Does this mean that he's lost a lot of blood?
}
} It means that it's highly probable that he has.
}
} But, his big toe is quite clear. Does that mean something?
}
} Yes, whatever animal it was that attacked him definitely did not eat
} his big toe. This is the only clue we have to the identity of the
} animal so far.
}
} OBN NEWS SERVICE SPECIAL INTERVIEW GENERAL A. LEADBEATER
} --------------------------------------------------------
}
} General Leadbeater. Are there any further clues as to the identity of
} the creature.
}
} As of yet, none. It could be a Godzilla. It could be anything.
}
} Surely Ms Lisa wouldn't have given The Oracle a Godzilla for his
} birthday?
}
} Why not, that's what he asked for.
}
} How do you plan to defeat the creature, and save the city, if not the
} world?
}
} The probabilistic nature of that animal is what stops us. Bullets
} probably can't stop it. Rockets probably can't stop it. We probably may
} even have to use nuclear force!
}
} Why can't the army simply ask Lisa what she gave him for his birthday?
}
} Unfortunately Lisa has gone to the bathroom and is not expected out for
} several weeks. By that time, the city, or even the world, could be in
} ruins.
}
} Do you plan to entrap the creature?
}
} Yes, the creature is being lured to the city square by a trail of
} favourite foods of all known living things. In the square The Internet
} Oracle will observe the creature. Massed armies of The US, UK, Japan,
} and Russia will then attack the creature, whatever it turns out to be.
}
} Russian forces? Russian forces on US soil?
}
} Those guys had to fight some pretty far-out creatures in the Cherynobal
} region over the last few years. We need their experience.
}
} Thank you General Leadbeater.
}
} EYEWITNESS NEWS BULLETIN - INDIANA, USA
} ---------------------------------------
}
} I'm standing here in the main square of Indiana, where the probability
} density function has been reported to ... MY GOD, THE DENSITY FUNCTION
} HAS ENTERED THE SQUARE. PLANES FLY OVERHEAD, ROCKETS ARE POINTED.
} ARMIES AIM THEIR WEAPONS. THE CREATURE APPROACHES. AND .... THE
} INTERNET ORACLE IS REMOVING HIS BLINDFOLD!!!!!!! HE HAS REMO....
}
} [A small grey round object with plastic eyes and a big painted grin
}  falls to the ground in the center of the square. Everything is silent
}  and still for over ten minutes. Suddenly there is a slight movement.
}  General Leadbeater walks slowly to The Oracle].
}
} Orrie, most wise and everything, old chum. I think I need your help
} here.
}
} You owe The Oracle a very, VERY, good excuse for mobilising the entire
} defense and emergency services of the Industrialised World to combat a
} pet rock. To be sent to: General A. Leadbeater, The Pentagon,
} Washington DC, USA.