The Best of Internet Oracularities #1051-1075 1. 1075-10 2. 1056-10 3. 1072-05 4. 1052-09 5. 1056-08 6. 1057-02 7. 1069-08 8. 1071-03 Oracularities are the distilled wisdom and sagacity of the Internet Oracle, as incarnated in its many anonymous e-mail participants. This collection has been compiled from the regular Oracularities postings #1051 through #1075 and contains the Oracularities rated by its readers as among the funniest. To find out more about the Internet Oracle, send mail to oracle@cs.indiana.edu with the word "help" in the subject line to receive the Oracle helpfile. The regular Oracularities postings can be found in the Usenet newsgroup rec.humor.oracle. Open discussion about the Internet Oracle occurs in the newsgroup rec.humor.oracle.d. If your site doesn't carry these newsgroups, contact your news administrator about starting them, or see the Oracle helpfile about subscribing to the Oracularities e-mail distribution list. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1075-10 437bQ 4.4 Selected-By: Rich McGee The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply. Your question was: > So, Orrie, what are your plans for February 2nd? And in response, thus spake the Oracle: } Pretty much the same as usual. Here's my schedule for the day, if you } must know: } } 07:52 Woken by the radio alarm. Some inane DJ's saying "Rise and } shine, campers, and don't forget your booties 'cause it's } coooold out there today." Where's he escaped from, I wonder? } Lisa stirs in the bed next to me, but doesn't wake. } 08:00 Shave and have breakfast. Burn the toast. } 08:48 Fire up the question queue. } 08:49 Zot an insolent supplicant who thinks I can't recognise a } thinly-disguised w**dchuck question when I see one (that's you, } in case you couldn't guess). } 08:50 Answer the rest of the questions. } 09:26 Zadoc enters and starts grovelling. } 11:14 Zadoc finishes grovelling and asks if I want a cup of coffee. } 12:30 Lunch. } 13:48 Go shopping with Lisa. She wants to buy some outrageously } expensive clothes but I put my foot down. Lisa sulks until I } promise to take her out to dinner. } 20:15 We go out, eat lobster and drink pina coladas. Afterwards we } make love like sea otters. } 23:06 Fall asleep. } } 07:52 Woken by the radio alarm. Some inane DJ's saying "Rise and } shine, campers, and don't forget your booties 'cause it's } coooold out there today." Does this moron say the same thing } every day? Lisa stirs in the bed next to me, but doesn't wake. } 08:00 Shave and have breakfast. Burn the toast. Start experiencing an } uncomfortable sense of deja vu. } 08:48 Fire up the question queue. } 08:49 Zot an insolent supplicant who thinks I can't recognise a } thinly-disguised w**dchuck question when I see one. Anyway, the } idiot's a day late - it's now the 3rd of February, for god's } sake! } 08:50 Answer the rest of the questions, all of which look eerily } familiar. } 09:26 Zadoc enters and starts grovelling. I tell him to shut up and he } slopes off, sobbing quietly. Now I have to get my own coffee. } 12:30 Lunch. } 13:48 Lisa wants to go shopping. I say I can't because something's } very wrong and I have to work it out. Lisa sulks until I promise } to take her out to dinner. } 20:15 We go out, eat lobster and drink pina coladas. Afterwards I'm } too preoccupied to make love, and Lisa sulks again. } 22:55 Fall asleep. } } 07:52 Woken by the radio alarm. The inane DJ's starts saying "Rise and } shine, campers..." but I switch him off. What the hell's going } on? Lisa doesn't stir. } 07:58 Cut myself shaving and skip breakfast. } 08:29 Fire up the question queue. } 08:30 Zot the imbecile with the w**dchuck question. } 08:31 Zot all the rest of the stupid supplicants for good measure. } 09:26 Zadoc enters and I Zot him. I go out into the corridor and Zot } the coffee machine. } 12:30 Skip lunch. } 12:39 Lisa wants to go shopping. I explain that I can't because I keep } reliving the same day. Lisa says that's the feeblest excuse } she's ever heard in her life, and sulks until I promise to take } her out to dinner. } 20:15 We go out, she eats lobster but I just drink endless pina } coladas. They don't seem to work. "Can I have one of these with } some alcohol in it?" I ask the waiter sarcastically. He makes } some smartass retort so I Zot him. The police are called in. } 21:43 I'm put in a police holding cell. Maybe if I stay awake, I can } break this cycle. } 23:57 Fall asleep. } } 07:52 Woken by the radio alarm. Before the inane DJ can say a word I } Zot the radio. Lisa asks what's up, so I Zot her. } 07:54 Skip shaving and breakfast. } 08:06 Fire up the question queue and Zot all the supplicants without } reading any of the questions. Zot the console. Zot every object } in the room. } 08:28 Go out to the priests' quarters and Zot Zadoc as he emerges from } his cell. Find Kinzler and Zot him too, just because. } 08:52 Go outside and Zot any passers-by I see. } 09:03 Zot myself. } } 07:52 Woken by the radio alarm. Zot the radio. Lisa asks what's up, } and I explain I've worked it out. It's a fiendish plot by those } wretched rodents! The only way I can save myself is to destroy } the mastermind behind it - Punxsutawney Phil himself! Lisa } suggests I'm a few demigods short of a pantheon. I ignore her } and leap out of bed. } 07:57 Skip shaving and breakfast. } 08:13 Ransack the storeroom where I keep the gifts from supplicants. } There - I knew I had some! A phial of mixomatosis virus. Now } I'll get that smug little beggar! } 09:11 Get in the car and head for Pennsylvania. } 09:44 Hell and damnation! The police are turning people back, claiming } the roads are blocked by snow. I try to break through but only } succeed in crashing the car into some police vehicles. } 12:25 I'm put in a police holding cell. I call Lisa to come and bail } me out, but she says I can stay there until I come to my senses. } I decide to try and stay awake again. } 23:59 Fall asleep. } } 07:52 Woken by the radio alarm. The inane DJ goes into his spiel, but } I restrain myself from attacking the radio. I must try and work } this out rationally. Lisa stirs in the bed next to me, but } doesn't wake. } 08:05 Shave and have breakfast, careful not to burn the toast. } 09:17 Fire up the question queue. Is it something to do with the } questions, perhaps? If so, which one? } 09:19 Consider the thinly-disguised w**dchuck question. Maybe I } shouldn't Zot the supplicant out of hand. Ridiculous - I always } Zot infidels who ask the w**dchuck question! I Zot the little } swine, as he so richly deserves. } 09:21 Start answering the rest of the questions, carefully. I can't } figure out what I could have done wrong with any of them. } 09:26 Zadoc interrupts my concentration by entering and launching into } one of his long-winded bouts of grovelling. I tell him I haven't } got time, and just to get me a cup of coffee. He slopes out, } dejected. Should I have been nicer to him? Ridiculous - nobody's } nice to Zadoc! That really would disturb the balance of the } universe. } 12:30 Lunch. } 13:48 Go shopping with Lisa. She wants to buy some outrageously } expensive clothes, so I agree. What the hell - she looks great in } them. Lisa's so pleased she promises to make me dinner herself } tonight. } 19:45 Lisa cooks up a magnificent feast of Parma ham and melon, } followed by chicken chausseur with Anna potatoes, baby } cauliflower ears and mangetouts, and profiteroles to round it all } off. We empty three bottles of Chateau Rothschild. Afterwards we } make love like sea otters. } 23:33 Fall asleep. } } 07:52 Woken by the radio alarm. The inane DJ goes into his all too } familiar routine. Hell's bells! What have I got to do to escape } this nightmare? Lisa asks what's up, and I explain about being } forced to relive the same day over and over. She acts very } concerned but I can see she doesn't really believe me. } 08:28 I shave while Lisa makes me breakfast. She probably doesn't } trust me near kitchen implements at the moment. } 09:23 Fire up the question queue. } 09:24 Consider the thinly-disguised w**dchuck question again. Maybe } what matters is not what I do every day, but what I do on this } day. Have I ever Zotted someone for asking the w**dchuck } question on Groundhog Day, the one day in the year sacred to the } God of All Marmots? I find I can't remember. } 09:26 Zadoc enters. Before he can launch into his long-winded grovel, } I ask him for his opinion on the subject. } 09:29 After Zadoc has picked himself up off the floor, where his } astonishment at my asking his opinion on anything had deposited } him, he confirms that, in as far as he's aware, I've never } Zotted a w**dchuck questioner on this day before. That must be } it! I thank Zadoc for his invaluable help. More time is lost as } Zadoc has to pick himself up off the floor again. He goes out to } lie down and recover from the shock, so I get no coffee. No } matter. } 09:41 I give the question a long, finely-crafted, kindly answer. I } spend most of the morning on it, chuckling to myself as I imagine } how thrilled the supplicant will be when he gazes in awe at } probably the best answer he's ever received in his dreary little } life. } 12:29 Answer the rest of the questions. I can do those in my sleep by } now. } 12:30 Lunch. } 13:48 Offer to go shopping with Lisa, but she thinks that it would } excite me too much. She makes me lie down and spends the } afternoon solicitously tending to my every need. If I'm doomed to } relive the same day for all eternity, I can think of worse ways } of doing it! } 19:00 Lisa refuses to consider going out for dinner, and makes me a } light supper in bed. Animatedly, I explain to her that I've } solved the puzzle and I'm never going to be cruel to another } w**dchuck as long as I live, which is forever, so they ought } to be pretty grateful, right? In fact, I shall start calling } them by their proper name - woodchuck. There, I've said it. } Woodchuck! That's not so bad now, is it? Woooodchuck. One could } grow to like the word. Lisa is clearly very worried but tries } bravely not to show it. } 22:18 Fall asleep while Lisa gently strokes my forehead. } } 07:52 Woken by the radio alarm. The inane DJ's saying "Looks like } there's a break in the weather, and we can look forward to some } sunshine today, campers." I've cracked it! I shout with joy. } Lisa wakes and asks what's up, and I ask what day it is. "The } 3rd, of course," says she, "and are you having another turn?" I } tell her I've never felt better, and plant a big fat smacker on } her lips. She feels kind of fuzzy. } 08:01 I go into the bathroom to shave. A furry, bewhiskered face } stares back at me in the shaving mirror. My god! I look like a... } a... } 08:02 The realisation dawns on me that the nightmare's only just } begun. } } You owe the Oracle, er... well, some wood, actually. Never you mind } what I want it for. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------