> The following advice for American travelers going to France was
> compiled from information provided by the U.S. State Department the CIA,
> the U.S. Chamber of Commerce, the Food and Drug Administration, the Centers
> for Disease Control and some really, really expensive spy satellites that
> the French don't know about it. It is intended as a guide for American
> travelers only.
>
> GENERAL OVERVIEW
>
> France is a medium-sized foreign country situated in the continent of
> Europe. It is an important member of the world community, though not
> nearly as important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain,
> Switzerland and some smaller nations of no particular importance and with
> no decent shops.
>
> France is a very old country with many treasures such as the Louvre
> and Euro Disney. Among its contributions to Western civilization are
> champagne, Camembert cheese and the guillotine. Although France likes to
> think of itself as a modern nation, air conditioning is little used and
> it is next to impossible for Americans to get decent Mexican food. One
> continuing exasperation for American visitors is that local people insist
> on speaking in French, though many WILL speak English, if shouted at.
>
> PEOPLE
>
> France has a population of 56 million people. 52 million of these drink
> and smoke (the other 4  million are small children). All French people
> drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and have no concept of
> standing patiently in a queue, or line. The French people are in general,
> gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof and undisciplined; and those
> are their good points. Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you
> would hardly guess it from their behavior. Many people are communists.
> Men sometimes have girls' names like Marie or Michel, and they kiss each
> other when they meet. American travelers are advised to travel in groups
> and wear baseball caps and  colorful trousers for easier recognition.
>
> SAFETY
>
> In general, France is a safe destination, although travelers must be
> aware that from time to time it is invaded by Germany. Traditionally,
> the French surrender immediately and, apart from a temporary shortage of
> Scotch whisky and the increased difficulty in getting baseball scores and
> stock market prices, life for the American visitor generally goes on much
> as before. A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English
> channel has been opened in recent  years to make it easier for the French
> government to flee to London during future German invasions.
>
> HISTORY
>
> France's historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc,
> Jacques Cousteau and Charles de Gaulle, who was President for many
> years and is now an airport.
>
> GOVERNMENT
>
> The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are
> held more or less continuously and always result in a draw. The French
> love administration so for governmental purposes, the country is divided
> into regions, departments, districts, municipalities, towns, communes,
> villages, cafes, and telephone kiosks. Each of these has its own
> government and elections. Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper
> and Lower (though confusingly they  are both on the ground floor), and
> whose members are either Gaullists or Communists, neither of whom should
> be trusted by the traveler.
>
> Parliament's principal occupation is setting off atomic bombs in the
> South Pacific and acting indignant and surprised when other countries
> complain. According to the most current American state Department
> intelligence, the President is now someone named Jacques. Further
> information is not available at this time.
>
> CULTURE
>
> The French pride themselves on their culture, though it is not easy to
> see why. All their music sounds the same and they have never made a movie
> that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes.
>
> CUISINE
>
> Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is
> just a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants on the other hand, are
> excellent, although it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this.
>
> ECONOMY
>
> France has a large and diversified economy, second only to Germany's
> in Europe, which is surprising because the French hardly work at all. If
> they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike
> and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors.
>
> France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are
> wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided Missiles, champagne, guns,
> grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack aircraft, miscellaneous
> armaments and cheese.
>
> PUBLIC HOLIDAYS
>
> France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its
> 361 national holidays are: 197 Saints' days, 37 National Liberation Days,
> 16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in
> triumph as if he won the war single-handed Days, 18 Napoleon sent into
> Exile Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 2 France is
> great and the Rest of the World is Rubbish Days.
>
> CONCLUSION
>
> France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a
> temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if French
> people did not inhabit it.
>
> The best thing that can be said for France is that it is not Germany.
>